Keeping
the Holidays Happy
I currently run a small,
monthly Asperger's support group. This past week, a mother and her
handsome, bright teenage son came to a meeting. The son had been
suspended from the school for three days but had done nothing
aggressive. His punishment for talking back (not profanely) was
excessively harsh - 3 days of suspension and getting no credit for work
he did right before the end of a marking period. The family was going away
early for the first winter vacation they'd had in years in two days and
the school, notified of this, had pulled a fast one.
Many, many schools and the
professionals that work in them are wonderful and totally dedicated, and
we in the autism community are forever indebted to their dedication,
compassion, caring, and talent. Unfortunately, for some of us,
there are some grinches out there in our children's schools who fabricate
an incident, are excessively punitive, or just plain mean before a holiday
break. If this should happen to you, know you aren't alone and
that this is usually a deliberate tactic that has to do with a teacher's
or school's agenda. The reasons for this behavior can be many: to protect the school from being sued, to punish
parents perceived as being overly demanding, to set an example for other
parents not to challenge the school and to discourage parents from
banding together for the common good of their special needs children, to encourage the family to
remove the child from a class or from the school, or just to act out in
a bullying fashion (which also has the effect of setting an example for
the other children in the class to bully the special needs child as well
- so the kids do the teacher's dirty work for them).
The reason for the timing is
because the perpetrator and other staff will be "unavailable"
for a meeting until long after the details of the event are hazy -
minimizing the chances of having to face the consequences of their
actions. The timing also has the effect of wearing down and
demoralizing a family during a holiday break when families traditionally
recharge themselves on a physical, emotional and spiritual level.
In reflecting on the
school's treatment of the young man who came to my meeting, I thought
back to how our family has coped with these situations over the years. Here
are some coping strategies my family has used over the years that have
ultimately paid off for a happier holiday and stronger children.
I tell my neurotypical
daughter and my son diagnosed with Asperger's:
1. Think for
yourself. Use your critical thinking skills and evaluate a
situation and gather the information yourself. Don't
let anyone form your opinions for you or think for you. A teacher,
whole school, a whole community, or a whole nation can be on the wrong
track. That doesn't mean you have to jump on board with them.
2. If
individuals, schools, or other institutions do not support you, then
they have no business telling you who you are and what you are
capable of. Take control of your life and destiny by defining who
you are from the inside out.
3. Seek out
and spend as much time as possible with people who truly care for you
and want the best for you. See your best self as reflected in the
eyes of these people. (If
an adult truly believes in a child, the child will be much more likely
to believe in themselves.)
4. Ignore or politely
walk away from people who aren't rooting for you to succeed and aren't
truly on your side. They are selling negativity and you don't have
to buy it. This negativity is a reflection upon on the
inadequacies of these individuals.
The result of these
pep talks over the years is that
my kids think for themselves and feel good about themselves and their
family. Both are good kids and haven't gotten into any major
trouble at school or home. My neurotypical daughter is graduating
from high school this year and is looking at several colleges. My
son, age 16, diagnosed with Aspergers, has been homeschooled for the
past two years, is a talented
pianist and composer, and is currently on
a path leading toward a career in music.
Finally, it's worth its
weight in gold to put one's worries on the back burner as much as
possible over the holidays and focus on the positive! In our
current economic situation, celebrations don't have to be fancy
and expensive to be warm, supportive and spiritually nourishing.
Rest, have fun, and enjoying spending time with the people you love!
Wishing you and your family
a wonderful holiday season,
Sue Bennett, Autism Coach
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